?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
23 March 2005 @ 07:18 pm
Closer-Post 202--Brian's POV  

This is a post 202 gapfiller of sorts that came of nowhere when I was writing today. Beta'd by the ever-diligent vedaprophet. Enjoy.

CLOSER
POST-202 POV—BRIAN


I can look at him now, just a few hours later, as he sleeps next to me, and I think I see a difference in him. I’m probably imagining it, but I don’t think so. He looks peaceful. I’m not even going to touch him. Part of me really wants to, wants to move closer to him, to hold him—really tightly—but I’m not going to destroy the one good thing I did today. He’s happy right now. I want him to stay that way.

I want to watch him breathe, watch him sleep for a few minutes without the violent interruption of a nightmare. I want to see how long it will take him to decide if he’s going to sleep on his back or his side and which one it will be tonight. I want to see, if once he’s really sound asleep, if he’ll forget that his hand doesn’t work well anymore, if he’ll stop holding it against his body like that to remind himself because it reminds me.

And I don’t need to be reminded.

I want to know if once I turn off this blue light that glows over our heads, if he’ll bring as much beauty to the darkness as he does to the light.

I know he will.

I sort of want to tell him while he’s sleeping that I didn’t know what I was going to do when his memories came flooding back this afternoon, that I was terrified when he started to cling to me, terrified that I wouldn’t have any answers when he was ready to let go.

And I didn’t.

“Brian, it’s okay. I think I just want to go to sleep for a while.”

“Okay.”

“Will you—"

“I’ll stay right here.”


And I did.

I want to tell him right now as my arm lies on his pillow and my fingers barely brush his hair that I was afraid to touch him tonight, afraid that I’d hurt him, that I wouldn’t know how to give him what he needed, that it was nothing like the first time.

Nothing at all.

That his body was smooth and dry tonight, not hot and nervous like that night. That he was different tonight. He needed something from me. I could feel it. I felt him pulling it out of my fingers as I touched him, felt him borrowing the warmth from my hands as I held him because he needed to feel it again. I saw it in his eyes when he kissed me. I knew when he reached for me that that’s what he was reaching for.

A connection.

To me.

To us.

And back to himself.

I want to tell him that when he came in my arms tonight, moaning softly into the sheets, that I almost cried, I was so relieved. That I know I came, but I don’t remember it at all.

I want to tell him that I’d never made love to anyone like that ever before. That I’d never made love.

I want to tell him as he turns toward me now in his sleep that I’m scared of the way he makes me feel. That I want to protect him, help him find his way back, that I’m terrified that once he gets there I won’t be able to stand beside him.

Because I never have. Not when it mattered.

I’m scared that he trusts me to keep him safe because he shouldn’t--because I can’t--because I don’t.

I want to wake him up and tell him that I feel closer to him now than I’ve ever felt and that I want him and I’ve never been more afraid to touch someone in my entire life.

But I won’t. He’s happy right now. I want him to stay that way.
Tags:
 
 
Mood: thankfulthankful
 
 
 
kinneytay: Guh-made by paddieskinneytay on March 23rd, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
Three words: I. Loved. It.
and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:07 pm (UTC)
thank you--bgb, lylas!
(no subject) - kinneytay on March 23rd, 2005 07:12 pm (UTC) (Expand)
vedaprophet on March 23rd, 2005 04:52 pm (UTC)
I felt him pulling it out of my fingers as I touched him, felt him borrowing the warmth from my hands as I held him because he needed to feel it again. I saw it in his eyes when he kissed me. I knew when he reached for me that that’s what he was reaching for.

You bring to light my mental problems because you make me love every tear-soaked moment of reading this. And you make me want to do it again, as soon as I can. So yeah. Fucking GORGEOUS. And, I can never say it enough, that it's a privelege to beta-squee for you Plum!! Truly. I don't deserve credit for sobbing like a child, lol. *meep*

and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:08 pm (UTC)
You bring to light my mental problems because you make me love every tear-soaked moment of reading this.

Wonder twin powers activate! xooxoxo
No Worriesmsjudi on March 23rd, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
Beautiful, sweetie, well done :) Thanks for this! Seems we're both destined to post gap-fillers tonight LOL
and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
yes, Brian-from-the-past was molesting us in tandem.... thnx.
sapphire9977sapphire9977 on March 23rd, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
That is beautiful! Seriously beautiful.
and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
thank you!
Tory T: mfeo :x:x:x DON'T SHAREragingpixie on March 23rd, 2005 04:56 pm (UTC)
sniff - i love angst. =((
and she was: Fanfic by url_grlplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
//sniff - i love angst. =((//

me too, i'm an angst whore!
Secret Agent Limbo Moose: shotgun by paddiesmoose74 on March 23rd, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
Wow. I think you broke me a little. :(
Wow. That's all I can manage right now.
and she was: Empathyplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
aw, moose! I'm sorry! but thank you!
itsjustkristen on March 23rd, 2005 05:13 pm (UTC)
*gulps*
and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC)
heehee, thank you mama!! xoxxoo
shingalingpshingalingp on March 23rd, 2005 05:25 pm (UTC)
Oh my..beautiful...and sad...*sniffs*
and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
thanks! xoxoox
teary_eyed2teary_eyed2 on March 23rd, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
I don't need crying at the moment but because it's your writing, I'll take it *sobs at the beauty*. And I thought I was coping with paddies icons just fine *smiles*.
and she was: Avoiders Anonymousplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:17 pm (UTC)
I ♥ you teary for reading it anyway! thank you! xooxo
lit_writergirllit_writergirl on March 23rd, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
Just wow. This is the line that actually got me to cry:

"...that I’m terrified that once he gets there I won’t be able to stand beside him."

I have to say I think this is the episode where I wish the most that we'd gotten to see a lot more, and you've filled it in with such great emotion. Sigh.
and she was: Fanfic by url_grlplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
thank you! sorry I made you cry, but thank you!
(no subject) - lit_writergirl on March 23rd, 2005 06:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Joellelojotomy on March 23rd, 2005 05:51 pm (UTC)
*sighhhhhhhhhhhh*

Plummy, this was ever so beeeeeeeeeeautiful!
and she was: Shut up by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
thank you lojo!
Andreasandstorm63 on March 23rd, 2005 05:55 pm (UTC)
*sniff* this was gorgeous. I could stand more of these one offs.
and she was: Fucking like WHOA by Paddiesplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC)
*sniff* this was gorgeous.
thanks!
stellarlee on March 23rd, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC)
omg :((( I don't think I've mentioned yet how much I love your fics, but I really, really love them :) And this was beautiful. Brian angst is my crack ;))
and she was: Fanfic by url_grlplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 07:01 pm (UTC)
And this was beautiful. Brian angst is my crack ;))
You are not the only one, trust me. Thank you so much!!!

Have you read msjudi's new 301 piece today?? It's excellent!!!
(Deleted comment)
and she was: Sugarplum by Starbellysplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 06:59 pm (UTC)
bjshipperbjshipper on March 23rd, 2005 06:43 pm (UTC)
Absolutely heartbreaking- but in a good way:) Does that make any sense? Anyway, I loved it...so much that I think I'm gonna read it again right now!
and she was: Fanfic by url_grlplumsuede on March 23rd, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)
Absolutely heartbreaking- but in a good way:)

thank you! you should've seen how hard I cried writing it!