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28 June 2005 @ 10:54 pm
Pulse-122 Gapfiller-Brian's POV  

Author's notes: I guess I don't have any. I would give an angst warning, but I just spent two hours of my life watching Bush give his unconvincing, bullshit speech which was followed by an hour long town meeting of the most frightening citizens this country had to offer. THAT'S angst. This is just fic. If I was god, I wouldn't bless America. I'd get the FUCK out. /sorry.


pay the devil to replace her

The last time I’d been in an ambulance, I was six years old—on a field trip. They came to our school--all of them-the police, the firemen, the paramedics. It was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. The fireman let me hold the water hose. Well, he had to help me. I’ll never forget what it felt like, the force of all of that water.

It knocked me on my ass.

God, I loved it.

I wanted to do it again and again.

He gave me another turn at the very end because I wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. And again, my feet flew out from under me. I was soaking wet and deliriously happy. All that power in my hands. I remember thinking I wanted to put it between my legs so I could control it better. God that would’ve been so funny.

My first phallus.

Our teacher let us lie on the grass for twenty minutes after they left so we could dry off. We baked in the hot sun. You laid on the cold cement for nine minutes.

I timed it.

For the most part, I kept my mouth shut when they found us. I felt like I should’ve said something, but I’d already done enough damage for one night, so I didn’t.

You didn’t say anything either when it happened. You didn’t even scream. You couldn’t, it happened so fast. You just smiled.


But that didn’t matter because the sirens, all of the flashing red everywhere, and Daphne, made up for that. I’ll never forget the hole in my stomach when they took you away from me, when they picked you up and put you on the gurney. It was the most potent mix of dread and relief I’d ever tasted.

“What’s your name?”

“Brian. Brian Kinney.”

“You know him?”


“Get in. Let’s go.”

I held your hand in the ambulance. I’d squeeze it, and for the first half of the ride, you’d randomly squeeze it back. But then, you stopped. I told you that sorry wasn’t bullshit and started apologizing for everything—for dancing, for showing up, for ever thinking I needed to touch you in the first place. I couldn’t stop my brain from rewinding.

You stopped breathing.

I told you that I cared about you, and then I begged you not to die.

You ignored me.

"He’s not breathing. Why isn’t he breathing?”

“You need to move back. Give us room.”

They asked me how well I knew you while my fingers were in your bloody hair. I offered them your last name.

And your age.

"Taylor. Justin Taylor. He’s eighteen. He just turned eighteen.” You’d just turned eighteen.


But then I remembered.

"He’s, he’s really allergic to a lot of drugs. A doctor gave him penicillin once, it nearly killed him. And Tylenol.” They wrote everything down. "And Codeine. Codeine’s the worst.”

They thanked me.

Thanked me, for doing this to you.

”Oh, and he has allergies.” To crying. “He doesn’t cry,” I whispered to you. "He takes something blue. I don’t know what it is.”

I kept looking at your face to see if you could hear me. I thought about everything, about how beautiful you were, how smart, how determined, how I got such a kick out of just being with you, and how I’d never told you any of those things. Your life was flashing before my eyes and all I could see was what I’d done to fuck it up.

Instead of having my body on top of you and my dick up your ass, you had an oxygen tank on your chest and tubes in your veins.

“We’re almost there. Once we pull into the bay, things are going to move very fast. We don’t have much time.”

I let go of your hand. Your fingers were limp.

”Does he have family here?”


I’d no longer count myself among them.

The furious slow motion swirled around me as we pulled into the bay. I looked up and saw your mother right inside the doors. She screamed when she saw you, her hands covering her face. The thick glass between us kept me from hearing her, but I could.

I could hear everything.

It sounded just like the silent scream in my head.

All I wanted at that moment and for the next three months was to take your place. Giving you my life wouldn’t have been a fair trade, you deserved so much more, but it beat having to learn how to walk down the street again.

I backed up as far as I could, shrinking into the back of the ambulance as they barked orders at each other, as they pulled you away from me. My presence was unnecessary.

A hindrance.

An offense.

The proof dangling from my hand, stained with the answer.

If only I’d understood that two and half hours earlier.

They didn’t think you were going to live.

I knew that somehow, no matter what, I wouldn’t either.

It certainly wouldn’t be the last time you’d make a liar out of me.

The end.

Lyrics by Hall and Oates She’s Gone.
Mood: disappointeddisappointed
Quinn: eye kissquinn222 on June 28th, 2005 08:17 pm (UTC)
Why are you disapointed? It's really good. So sad and emotional and it really conveys that sort of disjointed feeling you have when you're in the middle of a disaster.
and she was: Empathyplumsuede on June 28th, 2005 08:29 pm (UTC)
lol, I'm not disappointed in the fic. I'm pissed off at the damn country right now. Thanks for the feedback!!!!!!!!11

I mean, we are in the middle of a disaster....
(no subject) - sassym on July 2nd, 2005 05:00 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Bow ties are cool.: forever 4mi_nion on June 28th, 2005 08:21 pm (UTC)
Ooh that hurt so good.
and she was: Couldn't Get it Rightplumsuede on June 28th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC)
thanx! xxo
vedaprophet on June 28th, 2005 08:23 pm (UTC)
excellent job, you fucked my shit up and made me cry (more than once)! :((((((( god, i still hate 122 so fucking much. :((((((((((((((((((((((((((

LOVED the beginning of this.

and she was: Empathyplumsuede on June 28th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC)
♥ thanks for the beta, too.
Andreasandstorm63 on June 28th, 2005 08:28 pm (UTC)
:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( but so good!
and she was: Empathyplumsuede on June 28th, 2005 08:35 pm (UTC)
xoxoxo thanks! I know, Brian's sadness is bleeding out of me lately. Jeesh.
mo_52 on June 28th, 2005 08:36 pm (UTC)
Wonderful, of course. Very, very sad.
Hating you makes me all warm inside.happier_bunny on June 28th, 2005 08:36 pm (UTC)
I love when you write things from Brian's POV. This was excellent and heartwrenching.

And as for being "geeky", I say use whatever gets ya there!!

You should join me in the land of DeNial. That Bush guy doesn't exist here and everyone is happy and rainbows are everywhere.
xhaleslowly: lardencelover: bj promxhaleslowly on June 28th, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC)
Holy Jesus Christ plum. This was fantastic. Your insight into Brian's psyche was dead on, the quiet panic and self-hatred *right there* but not in your face. And the timing, flow, everything about this fic... perfect.
TKtclark1922 on June 28th, 2005 09:21 pm (UTC)
Brava on another fine Brian POV. I am always blown away by your writing.

Thanks for sharing even though it was so very poignant.


...and as for Dubya, what else could one expect from the master manipulator than to have a town hall made up of his puppets. No one is allowed to challenge the world as Bush sees it.
Allygporn on June 28th, 2005 09:29 pm (UTC)
I loved the fic, Plumsie...made me cry at the end. Damn you!...

...as for Georgie, I didn't vote for him, my parents did, but I didn't. And I'll shout it from a dozen rooftops...I want nothing to do with him or his stupid politics.
its_ktd: 202 shadowsits_ktd on June 28th, 2005 09:33 pm (UTC)
wow. so good.
mmmorpheusqmmmorpheusq on June 28th, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC)
Oh, that hurt so bad. Or good? No, bad - very very bad. My poor heart is wrenched all over again. Between your fic and TwoLunatics' Sunshine video, I'm in agony tonight, LOL!
first degree boundaryvioletmist2003 on June 28th, 2005 09:49 pm (UTC)
Ah, I loved it.
lesser_gods on June 28th, 2005 10:59 pm (UTC)
:-( this is so brilliant and yet it hurts.
blacksatinrose on June 28th, 2005 11:40 pm (UTC)
That's really, really lovely. And ouchie. And lovely.
raecowgirl_ed763 on June 29th, 2005 12:31 am (UTC)
i heart the parts where brian is talking and telling the paramedics about his allerigies... its something that he remembered!! this story reeked havoc to all the fangurlie parts of my brain.